Routine

I'm big on routine.  I like routine. I thrive on routine...

Just over a month ago I started a new morning routine, and I love it.

Every morning I sit, drink my coffee and write in my notebook.  I evaluate how I'm feeling, what things I might need to focus on and I rewrite my short term & mid length goals.  I also write my to-do list.  

It's been a great tool to help me focus.  If I'm having a rough afternoon I reread my goals because it reminds me of my "why". 

Find the things that will help you be successful!

Have a great day!  Have a great week! 

As always, keep moving forward....

Out of my comfort zone...

So I've been contemplating cutting my hair for a while.  When it gets longer all I ever do is put it up and it was feeling damaged at the ends.  My husband suggested I go for it and do a short pixie.  So I went for it!

By the time I got home I was in a little bit of meltdown.  I've never had this much anxiety over my hair.  It grows. Nothing's permanent.  I know that, but I was still really stressed. I've made drastic changes before so it's not like this is really far outside my comfort zone, but for whatever reason this time was hard!!

Now that I'm a few days out I'm better.  I've gotten some really nice feedback.  I'm glad I went for it.  I think part of the reason I freaked out was because you can't chop this much hair off and have people not notice.  Having attention focused on me is freaking uncomfortable!!! 

Moral of the story.... Push yourself outside your comfort zone once in a while!  Go for it. 

Living in Acceptance

I've been doing a lot of thinking.

A. LOT.

When I started this blog I had a lot of weight to lose, I had a lot of issues to explore and I was definitely uneducated in terms of exercise and nutrition.  

To be honest, I don't really feel like I have much to share these days.  I have good days, I have bad days, but in the end I know my body and I know what I have to do if I get "off track".  I exercise pretty consistently and in a way that works for me.  This is my life and I'm enjoying living a healthy one. To be honest, the blog has become a distraction in my life instead of a tool.  Thinking about what I should write about is a chore instead of something I enjoy.  That's why I just dropped off the blogging radar. Right now, I want to live.

That brings me back to the title of this post, "Living in acceptance".  I know I need to work on the acceptance area. I've been trying hard.  Here's MY truth: my boobs sag, my stomach is floppy and saggy, I have a thicker, more muscular build AND IT'S OKAY!!! I don't need to focus or stress on all my imperfections. No one is perfect and I don't think we should ever strive to be.  I am more than what can be quantified by the scale or looking at the outside.  I have worked hard to get to where I am and I am proud of the changes I have made.  And I should be proud of it.

No amount of exercise or diet will change the loose saggy skin I have. Surgery could, but that's not something I'm interested in doing.  My basic build cannot be changed without having different parents (and that's never going to happen, plus- I like them).  I can continue my exercise regimen and make some body composition changes, but I'll still have powerful legs, well developed glutes and strong shoulders.  My rib cage isn't getting any smaller either.  

That is how I'm built.  That is how I was created.  I am strong, inside and out, and I look good. I feel good. I am healthy.  Admitting to myself (and you ) that those things are true is difficult for me.  

Accepting myself as a beautiful, strong woman "feels" conceited. I was raised and taught to be humble.  It feels bad to acknowledge my progress.  But I will not diminish myself by shrugging off the glaring truth.  I have transformed.  It's okay to dislike the loose skin I have, but I need to stop letting the reality of it affect how I view myself.  Who freaking cares?  There are bigger things in life to worry about than if anyone noticed the lower belly "pooch" caused by hanging skin.  Confidence is not about having a perfect body.  Confidence is something else entirely, and I feel like I'm finally finding mine.

I posted this picture on Instagram and Facebook on November 1st, as a way to remind myself not to dive head first into the leftover candy from Halloween.  I was flabbergasted and embarrassed by the response it got. 

Yup, I was embarrassed.  Two days later I was still trying to analyze why.  I think it goes back to the pride/conceit/humility thing.  Dealing with compliments has always been difficult for me though.  So I'm trying to change my response.  I'm striving to live in a place of acceptance and pride AND humility... It's time to let go of the baggage.  I am enough, no matter what my outside looks like.  If I lose 10 more pounds, if I have saggy skin, I love me, in all of my imperfections.

I realize too, that somewhere along the way I've lost some of "me". Spunky, sassy, independent, positive, upbeat, silly, happy me.  It's easy to get mired in the minutiae that is everyday life.  It's going to take some concentration, effort and retraining to get it back.  I'm working hard on my reactions, my mood, my thought processes.  The results have been positive thus far.  

So where does that leave me?  Still in need of some work, but with more understanding of where my focus should be.  I want continue to be healthy & happy.  Everything else is just icing on the cake.  Our uniqueness is what makes us special and individual.  So I'm off to be me in all my beautiful imperfectness! The fate of this blog is still to be determined.  It has been a huge part of my transformation and I hate to abandon it.  I do want each and every one of you to understand though how much I appreciate your support and encouragement! 

As always, keep moving forward...

"I like me" Monday....

Time for another "ILM" Monday. Last week I missed it, sorry. I decided I needed a break. No blogging, no Facebook, no Instagram, no MyFitnessPal. I unplugged, and it was nice. I actually wanted to go longer, but got a friend request on Saturday evening. That sucked me back in lol.

Anyway, I'm plugging along.  My food hasn't been super clean, but it hasn't been crazy either. I'm going to work on cleaning it up again this week.  More than that though, I feel like I need to get back into beast mode with my workouts. I'll keep you posted. My weight is maintaining in the normal range, which is what I want (most of the time). I keep fighting with myself about losing more weight.... You really don't want to be in my head sometimes.

Anyway, on to the main event...

My "ILM" highlight for this Monday.... My hair. Some may think I don't like my hair because I change it often, but I actually really like my hair.  I also like variety, which is why I change it. My hair grows really quickly, which means that changing it and playing with different styles and colors is no biggy. 

Your turn!  What do you like about yourself?? Share, share, share away!

Here's to a great week... As always, keep moving forward.

"I like ME" Monday

Time for week 2 of "I like me Monday". I'm actually discovering that there are quite a few l things I like about myself. Which is good. There are still a few areas that I am highly uncomfortable with, and I may do a more in depth post about that at a later date, but for now we'll concentrate on the positive. 

This weeks' highlight: shoulders.  If you haven't figured out by now, I like a defined physique. Not anything crazy, but some definition is pretty in my opinion.  Plus, it's what my body naturally does when I workout.  Some people see definition and think "bulky". If you personally don't care for a more defined look, that's cool.  We all have our own ideas of what looks good.  I think a nicely defined shoulder rocks.  My arms still need some work, in my opinion, but I'm getting stronger and the shape is improving.  I'm never going to have small arms, so I might as well make them look as good as possible.

Your turn!  Tell me what you like about yourself this week.  Remember, it doesn't have to be physical.  

Whole30 Eats & a "noncompliant" meal...

Time for another food report.  As you can tell from the title of this post, I ate a non-Whole30 meal.  Read on for the explanation...

Before we get to the noncompliant meal, here are my other eats:

My husband asked me out on a date.  I was not going to turn that down.  So we went out. Dinner actually would've been "compliant" if it hadn't been for the beurre blanc (white wine sauce).  I didn't eat much of the sauce, just a little that was on one corner of my fish. I could've eaten a lot more of it, but decided not to.  I am not going to make myself crazy about this. I don't feel guilty.  Life isn't about being "perfect". I gave the chunk of feta on my salad to my husband (for which he was eternally grateful) and I didn't eat the pita bread that smelled amazing. To be honest, I'm proud of the choices I made and wouldn't change anything about our dinner date. 

Going forward I'm still planning on staying gluten-free and dairy free.  I feel much better than I did at the start of the month.  I've been feeling a little bored with my food, but otherwise things are good. 

Hope your weekend is great!

Whole30 Eats: Catch-up

What's that you say? You want to see almost a week's worth of food at once because I've been slacking? Sure... No problem.

Having sick kids and starting back into the school routine is throwing me off a little. We also had a birthday party in there. 

This past Sunday I wanted to make almond butter, just so I could binge on it.  But I didn't.  I did eat (a lot) of raw almonds and some pistachios, but I didn't get the same pleasure from that as I would've from the salty, crunchy almond butter. I also wanted sugar. I ate a banana. While maybe these weren't the best solutions to the "crawl outta my own skin because I want to binge", I've had MUCH worse days. 

So, without further ado, food pictures!!

"I like me" Mondays...

Today is the start of something new.  I've decided to do a weekly feature called: "I like me" Mondays.

I often suffer from über self consciousness, minor body dysmorphia and general dissatisfaction with my appearance.  Sometimes I feel great, confident and pretty, but quite often I nit pick myself and focus on flaws (real & perceived).  I am very uncomfortable when people notice me or give me a compliment (even my husband) and I generally laugh it off wondering if they are seeing the same thing I do. When I catch a glimpse of a reflection in passing or see a picture, sometimes the thought is "I look pretty good", which is progress, but my body issues still need some work.

Something came to me the other day, maybe if I make a concerted effort to highlight things I like about myself, I might make some progress toward feeling better about myself overall.  

Even writing this makes me anxious.  What are people going to think? Will they think I just want to toot my own horn? That I'm fishing for compliments? Gah! I will seriously make myself crazy worrying what other people are thinking. At this point I'm willing to risk it though because I'm tired of feeling "less than".

So, for this weeks installment, I have decided to highlight my calves, since I like them :)

Getting a "selfie" of my calf was not the easiest thing lol. There was much hilarity involved in getting a good shot. Try it. I dare you. 

My question to you: What do you like about yourself? I want to hear! It can be a physical attribute or something else entirely. Lets celebrate the things we like about ourselves today!

30 days of Yoga

My fellow blogger and buddy Jess, over at Paleo Jess, tagged me on Instagram the other day about a 30 day yoga challenge.  I headed straight over to DoYouYoga and checked it out...and promptly signed up.  Today was day 2.  Even though I've done yoga at home for several years, this is different from what I've done in the past.  The daily emailed videos are about 20 mins (at least the past 2 have been).  The instructor gives good cues, which are easy to follow.  She also doesn't rush things (which I've experienced with some other videos).

I knew my flexibility was pretty limited, but this is certainly highlighting how limited my range is.  Day 1 was hip openers, Day 2 was chest and shoulder openers. These are 2 areas that need major work.  Right now I can't even do an overhead squat because my shoulder mobility is so poor.  I may also go back and do Day 1 again, just because the hip openers hurt so good.

Anyway, I thought I'd share with all of you.  If you like yoga already, if you're a beginner or looking for a place to start, head over and check out the 30 Day Challenge linked above.

Namaste.

Whole30 Eats: Day 14,15 & 16

So, I had 1 sick kid the last time I posted. Now I have 3 sick kids. It's a fairly mild cold, but it's still a drag.  Rolling out of bed several times a night to check on one kid or other, getting up to do breathing treatments with my son...blah, blah.  I'm tired. That pretty much sums it up.

Food is still good.  I'm trying to test how certain vegetables affect me... I was noticing some bloating and stomach discomfort when I ate large quantities of certain veggies, so I'm trying to track it a little closer. 

Here is my food for the last 3 days...

Whole30 Eats: Days 10,11,12&13

Somehow I have 4 days of food to share with y'all. Whoops. 

I don't usually blog in the evenings, but my son is sick.  Since he's asthmatic, it add a layer of stress every time he gets ill.  I put him to bed and an hour later he was crying and coughing.  Not good. So now I'm in "alert" mode.  Propping him up on the couch has helped, thankfully. I had hoped to make it more than 2 days in school before he caught something, but you can't always get what you want, right?

Anyway, sorry, on to the food....

Rambling update...

Hope your weekend is off to a good start!

Next week will be my kids first full week at school. It's going to be a little hectic till I find my rhythm and get the routine nailed down.  Having 2 kids in school is definitely a change too.  My son is loving it so far though, which is a relief.  He's still young, won't be 5 for a few more weeks, so it was a decision I struggled with (whether to enroll him this year or wait another year). Only time will tell if we made the right decision.

Sorry, mom ramble...

Anyway, food-wise I'm plugging along.  I am really trying to listen to my hunger cues.  Some days that means I eat twice, some days I eat 4x + a snack.  It's working for me.  I had a few moments this week that I wanted to overeat, but I resisted.  I also had a few moments of "screw this Whole30 business"... I'm still going though.  

Exercise has been pretty consistent as well.  Again, I'm listening to my body.  Bodeefit.com workouts, walking, yoga & Pilates have all made an appearance this past week.  I'll be walking several times a week now that I'm only going to have 1 kid in the mornings. 

I had to back off the pistol squat progression. It was messing with my knees.  It bummed me out, but I'm not going to hurt myself.  I had finished week one of my push-up training, then we went on vacation.  I think it's time to work that back into my routine.  My push-up ability has definitely improved with the bodeefit workouts, but a little concentrated push-up practice will get me more progress toward my goal of 50 consecutive.

And now you're all caught up. 

I saw this picture on FB this morning and wanted to share:

I hope you have a great weekend! Eat some yummy foods and be active!

Whole30 Eats: Day 7,8 & 9

Personal insights & Whole30 eats...

Things are plugging along with this Whole30. Now, after the first few days are behind me, is when it will  get more difficult.  I am feeling better, so those "just a little bite of X" thoughts creep in.  I'm going to resist though and stay the course.

Forewarned, I'm going to talk about monthly cycles now...nothing graphic, but I like to give a heads up before talking female stuff :)

It's about that time in my cycle for ovulation.  Generally, I get cravings for sweets and higher carb, have an increased appetite & retain water for a few days.  If I binge on sugar at this point in the month, the cravings and sugar dragon explode into massive proportions and I struggle until about day 2 of TOM.  (Can you tell I've experienced this a few times??) So, I need to be very mindful of my food the next few days. Plus, I need to lay off the dense carbs & fruit unless I really need to refuel post workout.

Being aware of how my body reacts to the various stages of my fertility cycle has been key for me.  I dislike the swings that I go through on a monthly basis, but by recognizing the trends I have been able to handle things better.  I also know that my "symptoms" ease some if I eat better.  Shocking, right?

Last month when I was in full out "crazy eating mode" I think I pinpointed dairy as a problem for me.  I have seen a correlation between dairy consumption and depression/emotional instability in myself.  This is completely anecdotal, and I understand that correlation does not equal causation, but it is something I am aware of.  It's possible that something else I was eating was problematic, but I feel pretty strongly that dairy was at the root.  

So anyway.... I won't be adding dairy back after this Whole30.  As much as I love cheese, sour cream and half n half, it's out for the foreseeable future.  I much prefer an evenly keeled mental status.

Are you bored yet by my ramble?  Ready to see what I've been eating?

Here ya go...

Hope you have a fantastic week! 

Whole30: Days 1,2 & 3

Tuesday kicked off my 2nd official Whole30.  I thought I'd share my first 3 days of food.

My emotions have leveled out. Thank goodness!!  Purging seems to help me.  I need to learn to admit the feelings I'm having, instead of holding on and eating through them.  So thank you bloggy friends for listening. And thank you Missy for being my friend and lending me your ear. I appreciate you all more than I can say. 

Day 1 & 2 I suffered some lovely headaches and fatigue.  Day 3 I avoided the headache, but still experienced some mild fatigue mid afternoon. I'm hoping that today (Day 4) will be an upswing day. I got my CSA box yesterday, loaded with lots of lovely fruit and vegetables. I'll be heading to the store shortly to fill the gaps & stock up on meat. 

Hope you had a great week!  

I will keep fighting....always.

I'm going to say a quick "Thanks" to Jeanette for checking in on me.  Things have been all over the place.  I've been struggling mentally, which spreads out to all other areas....sleep, food, exercise.

I feel inadequate. I feel invisible.  I feel unimportant. I feel sad and lonely. And I feel stupid for feeling these things because I DO have a good life. 

I am trying.  I know that cleaning up my diet (again) will be one the things that helps me feel better.  Tomorrow I start another Whole30. I'm actually thinking a Whole60 is in order since 30 days doesn't seem to be long enough to undo my disordered thinking.  I've got to get out of the binge cycle.  I've got to stop obsessing about my food and percentages of fat/protein/carbs.  I've got to stop sabatoging myself when I get on the scale and see progress.

I'll just keep battling my demons.

I won't give up.

For those of you who have read my blog for a while, I'm sorry if I sound like a broken record and you've heard this all before.  Bear with me.  

Before I go, I'll leave you with a few pictures from our family vacation.  

One of my favorite shots!

Interesting flower....

Sunrise.

Be thankful for what you have.  Smile.  Be unique.  Keep moving forward...

Mmmm, fat...

Thought I'd give you guys a peek at some of the foods I've been eating.  These are highlights from the past few days...

Did you notice? Lots of fat. LOTS.OF.FAT.  I find this works best for me when I am "detoxing" from sugar/carb overload.  The coconut chips are something new I found at Sprouts this week.  I love them! Plus, they'll be great for our upcoming family road trip vacation.

Yesterday I allowed a little fruit back in.  The scale is almost back down to it's pre-craziness level, after a 10 lb jump. Yes, you read that right... I said 10 lbs!!!  I know that most of it wasn't "actual" weight gain, but seeing that type of massive gain is incredibly demoralizing. I'm still feeling a bit bloated but I figure a few more days off dairy + continued progress on cleaning up my food and I'll be feeling tip-top again.  

Now, I must get going.  I'm taking the kids on a little hiking adventure... Have a great weekend folks!

Back in the groove & fitness goals...

Sooooo, yeah, I had a few rough days.  Turns out the peach cobbler I made and ate on the 5th was not the best idea. Two consecutive days of sweets (on the 4th & 5th) was enough to trigger some significant sugar cravings. I ate cleanly all day on the 6th (Saturday) until the kids went to bed... then I was on the prowl for sugar.  Turns out we had salt water taffy in the cupboard and hubby had brought home a loaf of blueberry banana bread. Can you guess what I ate?  UGH. And then Sunday was carb-o-palooza. Monday was clean, until evening again when I ate my weight in snickerdoodles. (Apparently it's the worst idea ever to let the kids talk me into making cookies when I'm struggling with sugar). Duh.

Tuesday & Wednesday I went low carb as that is the only thing I know to help me lock things back down. I'm definitely feeling better after two days of lower carb eating.  Today's goal is to eat more non starchy veggies. Tomorrow I'll cut dairy again. 

Yesterday afternoon I sat down and set some new fitness goals.  Low carb & goal planning are generally keys for me getting back in the groove.  So here are the new goals. 

Fitness Goals:

- Perform 10 pistol squats (each leg)

- Perform 5 pull-ups 

- Perform 50 military style push-ups

- Increase box jump to 28"

- Run 3 mi- sub 22:20 

I am going to focus on two (the pistol squats & push-ups) before moving on.  I think these goals are ambitious, but not unattainable.  I reworked my exercise routine and tailored it to the goals. After I've mastered the pistols & push-ups, I'll move on to the pull-ups & box jumps.  Shaving approx 1 min off my 3 mile run time will be an ongoing thing.

If you're curious about the pistol squat, here is a link to the progression plan I plan on following...

For the push-ups, I will be using the 100 push-up plan.

What do you do to get back on track??

Do you have fitness goals you're working toward?

July Eats...

Here's a look at my eats for July so far...

Pretty typical...

Heat wave continued... Banana & peach sorbet hit the spot!!

I enjoyed the holiday, ate what what appealed to me, without going crazy...

I really tried to follow my hunger cues.  I wasn't very hungry so it was a pretty light day on food.  The kids wanted to bake & we had a bunch of peaches that needed to be used, so the peach cobbler was created. I wasn't going to have any, but it sounded really good.  I savored and truly enjoyed it, without guilt.

Today I'll clean it back up a little. I know I can't do treats very often because it becomes a bad habit, so I've got to focus on making clean(er) choices for a few days.

Hope your month is off to a great start!

Independence Day...

Happy Fourth of July !!!

I hope you have a lovely day.  

God Bless America.

Comparison Shots

Here are my comparison shots from June 1st & July 1st. Not a drastic change, but I feel 1,000x better today than on June 1st...

Wrapping up "Clean it up June"...

June is over. I managed 30 days of pretty clean eating.  I made some big strides analyzing personal triggers and pretty much cut the emotional & mindless eating.  

The last 2 days were a bit sub-optimal. I'm cutting myself a little slack though.  First, it's incredibly hot here in central California. Second, TOM. 

My body is not loving the 108*+ weather. I am retaining water like crazy.  I'm going to just keep plugging along... 

I may have to cut way back on the raw nuts. I struggle with portion control. I do better with the raw nuts than nut butters, but it's still not an optimal choice. I especially struggle to eat them in moderation as it gets close to TOM. 

The nuts were back on Day 29. And then I ate the sorbet. Really though, it's frozen bananas and strawberries blended together with some water. Is it the end of the world? No. I just have to be careful eating those types of possible triggering foods. I wasn't craving ice cream, I just wanted something cold and refreshing.

A little light on the veggies, and heavy on the fruit. Plus, more nuts.  Vegetables & protein will be my number one focus this week, especially with the holiday coming. 

Hope your weekend was great! Here's to a great week ahead.