Thursday, September 15, 2011

Bye-bye blankie...

Some things have been rattling around in my brain. I've been thinking and analyzing why I have a difficult time getting to goal, why the number on the scale has freaked me out in the past and sent me into binge/gain mode. What's my payoff? I firmly believe we don't do things or act certain ways without one. For me personally, it's partly about security. It's uncomfortable for me to be thin. Seriously. I have major insecurities and body image problems. When I lose weight people comment and complement and that makes me VERY uncomfortable. I've always had a large chest, from the time I started developing, and when I lose weight my waist gets smaller and the hour glass shape emerges. Men notice. Again, a huge source of discomfort. I can remember a few instances during my adolescence, getting looks or comments from guys and just feeling dirty. A friend of my brother's once sent me inappropriate letters, during church. Another time, some guys hung out their car windows as I was crossing the street and I was told that it was because of what I was wearing (which wasn't provocative btw). Negative attention was my fault (not the creepy guys').
So weight became an unconscious security blanket. The focus came off what I looked like. Then I'd reach a certain point, get fed up and lose weight. Till I got to about 160ish. Then the weight loss would stall or get very, very difficult because that's when I'd start getting my shape back. And then the weight would creep back. I binge. I take comfort in food. I soothe discomforts with it. This is my payoff. Security. But it's really not. It's just a way to hide.
Obviously this is just a piece of my puzzle, but it's a big piece for me. I don't want to regain the weight again and I need to look at the things I am doing to keep myself from getting to where I want to be. I need to make the choices that will get me the results I want. I want to feel confident and good about myself and how I look. I'm not saying I'm gorgeous or anything but I know I didn't fall out of the ugly tree either. I want to leave the security blanket behind, once and for all.
It's easier not to think of the underlying issues. It's easier to eat crap and not care. That's not what I want for myself though. I am consciously choosing to make the changes and do what's best for me, not just what's easy....
My request to you now is to dig deep and think of your own personal payoffs. Do some analyzing of your own. What's holding you back? You don't have to put it out there for world, but think about it.

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