I've been doing a lot of thinking.
A. LOT.
When
I started this blog I had a lot of weight to lose, I had a lot of
issues to explore and I was definitely uneducated in terms of exercise
and nutrition.
To be honest, I
don't really feel like I have much to share these days. I have good
days, I have bad days, but in the end I know my body and I know what I
have to do if I get "off track". I exercise pretty consistently and in a
way that works for me. This is my life and I'm enjoying living a
healthy one. To be honest, the blog has become a distraction in my life
instead of a tool. Thinking about what I should write about is a chore
instead of something I enjoy. That's why I just dropped off the
blogging radar. Right now, I want to live.
That
brings me back to the title of this post, "Living in acceptance". I
know I need to work on the acceptance area. I've been trying hard.
Here's MY truth: my boobs sag, my stomach is floppy and saggy, I have a
thicker, more muscular build AND IT'S OKAY!!! I don't need to focus or
stress on all my imperfections. No one is perfect and I don't think we
should ever strive to be. I am more than what can be quantified by the
scale or looking at the outside. I have worked hard to get to where I
am and I am proud of the changes I have made. And I should be proud of
it.
No amount of exercise or diet
will change the loose saggy skin I have. Surgery could, but that's not
something I'm interested in doing. My basic build cannot be changed
without having different parents (and that's never going to happen,
plus- I like them). I can continue my exercise regimen and make some
body composition changes, but I'll still have powerful legs, well
developed glutes and strong shoulders. My rib cage isn't getting any
smaller either.
That is how I'm
built. That is how I was created. I am strong, inside and out, and I
look good. I feel good. I am healthy. Admitting to myself (and you )
that those things are true is difficult for me.
Accepting
myself as a beautiful, strong woman "feels" conceited. I was raised and
taught to be humble. It feels bad to acknowledge my progress. But I
will not diminish myself by shrugging off the glaring truth. I have
transformed. It's okay to dislike the loose skin I have, but I need to
stop letting the reality of it affect how I view myself. Who freaking
cares? There are bigger things in life to worry about than if anyone
noticed the lower belly "pooch" caused by hanging skin. Confidence is
not about having a perfect body. Confidence is something else entirely,
and I feel like I'm finally finding mine.
I posted this picture on Instagram and Facebook on November 1st,
as a way to remind myself not to dive head first into the leftover
candy from Halloween. I was flabbergasted and embarrassed by the
response it got.
Yup,
I was embarrassed. Two days later I was still trying to analyze why.
I think it goes back to the pride/conceit/humility thing. Dealing with
compliments has always been difficult for me though. So I'm trying to
change my response. I'm striving to live in a place of acceptance and
pride AND humility... It's time to let go of the baggage. I am enough,
no matter what my outside looks like. If I lose 10 more pounds, if I
have saggy skin, I love me, in all of my imperfections.
I
realize too, that somewhere along the way I've lost some of "me".
Spunky, sassy, independent, positive, upbeat, silly, happy me. It's
easy to get mired in the minutiae that is everyday life. It's going to
take some concentration, effort and retraining to get it back. I'm
working hard on my reactions, my mood, my thought processes. The
results have been positive thus far.
So
where does that leave me? Still in need of some work, but with more
understanding of where my focus should be. I want continue to be
healthy & happy. Everything else is just icing on the cake.
Our uniqueness is what makes us special and individual. So I'm off to
be me in all my beautiful imperfectness! The fate of this blog is still
to be determined. It has been a huge part of my transformation and I
hate to abandon it. I do want each and every one of you to understand
though how much I appreciate your support and encouragement!
As always, keep moving forward...
