Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Not so brilliant...

Sunday morning I got up, ran 2 miles, did some chores and then decided I needed to go shopping. What did I need? A pair of jeans. Seriously, it's December and I'm running around in capris because I don't have any pants that fit. So off to the thrift store I went...cause I really don't want to pay $30+ for a pair of jeans that I'm not going to wear for very long (because I AM going to lose this extra weight). This was probably not the most brilliant plan I've ever had. Why you ask? It was a bit more of a "reality check" than I was prepared for. I ended up walking out with nothing, barely keeping it together. On the way home I was practically in tears a couple times. By the time I made it home I thought I had it together. Unfortunately, I didn't. I ended up standing in the kitchen just bawling. Part of it I'm sure was hormones and a little sleep deprivation (hey, 3 week old baby in the house). The other part was pure frustration, disgust and any other emotional upheaval you want to throw in there.
My poor husband. He's being so supportive. That's almost part of the problem. Hearing that he'll love me either way & that I didn't gain it overnight and won't lose it overnight...not really helpful when you're in angst. But I know he's trying. He's trying to help me and for that I'm grateful.
I've avoided blogging about the shopping trip for the past few days because I was wallowing... and eating. Like that's gonna do anything but make it worse. Time to pull it back together. Rome wasn't built in a day right? I need to accept the way my body looks right now and make the changes necessary to fix the things that are bothering me. The fact is, I've had 3 kids and gained large amounts of weight each time. But I lost it after the last two, I can do it again. I just need to give myself the time to do it though. And right now my priority is nursing by little pumpkin. I need to give myself the time to figure out the right formula so I don't lose my milk (I had a couple days of low supply due to not eating quite enough).
So I've made peace with the fact that my body looks the way it does right now and I'm going to go buy a pair of jeans that works for me. Hopefully I won't have to wear them for long! :)


REBYRYAN said...

I'm so sorry! I almost cried reading this! You soooo can do it again though. Key word - "again". You've done it before so I know you CAN do it AGAIN!! Just be patient with yourself...remember that it took almost a year last time around...baby steps...;D

Sabrina said...

Ohhhhhh, Tiff!!!!! I love ya! We all go through it. We are all behind you and we all know what you are going through. You should have seen what was going through my brain a couple of days ago. The same thing toward myself. Take the time to do the little goals. They will all build up to the big ones. Love ya!

Lucy said...
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Lucy said...

And this is why I am a follower of your blog! Your honesty, your drive ... you will never give up - it's not in you, never has been.

You have just given birth to a miracle! To that beautiful, tiny human being you're body is perfect!

I'm reminded of that super model who had twin little boys (who, i'm sure, didn't give a rat's ass what size their mommy was). She wanted her bottom smaller or more rounder or whatever (I don't remember). Anyhoo-she had some kind of surgery to "fix" the problem and passed 3 days later from complications. Part of what makes this story tragic: She couldn't see her real beauty. She couldn't see past her "flaws".

It's no small feat that you've made peace w/the way your body looks. That is HUGE!

(I hope I didn't bum you out with that story!).... I meant to encourage you - you ARE beautiful! Take your time, enjoy that bundle of sweetness...you're going to make it: one mile at a time